It usually rains
I’d never seen it snow
In
In December
-
Before Mr. Cobain
Decided to go away
I spent Christmas day
In
-
I had ridden up with Tom Tretheway who continued on.
I was seeing a girl from Metairie but thought I was in love with a girl from
I stayed up all night trying to write a song in minor c.
It snowed that year.
We ate gumbo out of the same bowls we ate from when we were in grade school.
-
December
In charlotte
With the snow on the ground
Not covering up too much
The way I felt
Was not distracted
By the snow on the ground
-
My sister and I got high
On the back porch after lunch
Then walked in from the back
Of the strip mall cinema
To see a movie
About Geronimo
-
Geronimo was an honest man
He believed that other people were honest too
Miles just kept throwing new people for him to trust
But it killed him and a bunch of his family too
And they lost all their land
-
Why did I want to leave?
-
A mother I loved had a tendency to smother you with her own shit.
She didn’t have an outlet
Her creativity was crafts and kind of pre-made parts stuff
She glued impressionist prints to matt board and covered every wall
Late one night I dusted and straightened the miniature prints in cheap frames in the bathroom.
I hope she noticed.
I drank all of her crown royal each visit, I don’t really like crown royal.
-
She did not know how to be sad and be OK with it.
-
Sometimes sad can produce something beautiful
Sometimes sad can give you something in common
Sometimes sad is just melancholy unnoticed for a little too long
Sometimes sad isn’t the worst thing to be
Sometimes sad needs to run along till its tired
-
She thought sad was weakness
She thought weakness made you lonely
She’d rather distract herself and pretend
She never used her imagination
-
She thought you should never be alone
She was afraid to be alone
Sad and alone is weak
She would rather not be alone any matter who she had to be with
She had space to fill, she filled it up
She wanted to fill it up, she filled it up
Us kids only filled up so much, no security
Besides we had our own lives to lead and it left a gap
No security in her terms
The gap to be filled up in any way
-
The best Decembers for me was when she was alone
She had to use us to get filled up
We would have come to see her anyway
But we got more because of the loneliness, we were lonely too
I think we all did great at being alone together
Drinking, being alone, getting a little more alone on my own after bedtime
-
I left to follow my own solution to loneliness
I left because I wanted to want the impossible
It was impossible to want who I wanted, desire beyond my capacity
Desire beyond thinking it through, desire for one
Wanting love without knowing how to love
Wanting a love that decimates loneliness
A love that cuts it down
A love that somehow changes you
Changes your desire to be lonely, alters your being
Makes you not value being alone anymore
Makes you give up your self
Impossible
I wanted to be alone with that desire
To make the desire more felt by not pursuing it
Now isn’t that alone?
-
My sister told mom about her run in with the law
A bong in the back seat of her Honda in a state park
It’s not such a big deal in
Then she asked me about it
I said I had never gotten caught
She just asked how much it cost
I said I got it from friends, so not a lot
She asked about the smell, can’t everybody tell?
I stood outside the screen door and told her about how it felt
-
I took the train back
On New Year’s Eve
Mom and I drove around town
To try to buy a fifth of whiskey for the ride home
-
December in charlotte
With snow on the ground
Not really covering much of anything
All the stuff in my head still there
I’m just left with my breath in the air
0 comments:
Post a Comment